My Angel Got Her Wings

Yes, my Anner-Bananer passed away. At the end of (good grief) last April, she just couldn't take any more. I made the heart-wrenching decision to take her in. It was HORRIBLE! I still miss her so very much. She was such an angel dog. She always made me feel that there really is a reason that "dog" is God spelled backwards. She gave unconditional love. She was always there beside me. She was my puppy that I will never forget. I really don't think there will ever be another like her.

I count myself lucky to have had her for almost 12 years. I got her when she was 8 weeks old from a backyard breeder down in Niles. I was teaching a cc:Mail class at Whirlpool back in 1995 when I saw an ad posted for Goldens. Of course, (1) I was not in a position to get a dog (I was renting), and (2) if I did get a dog, it was going to be a male and I was going to name it "Simba." Well, I thought I would at least go take a look at the puppies - all 12 of them. It had been three whole years since I lost Cory, my previous Golden. What a mistake!!! NEVER go look at puppies if you don't "intend" to buy! I got attacked by 11 puppies as soon as I stepped into the little pen they were in out on the grass. They all were on me, each one wanting more attention than the previous. One monster mutt refused to join in; instead, this little instigator zoomed around all the rest and then would crash through the little mob - tumbling puppies left and right. Of course you know which one I picked. Little Miss Independent. The biggest of 12. She was quite the raucous soul! And a mind of her own. She even told me her name. I had her on my lap in my Mustang, driving away, lamenting the loss of "Simba" and wondering what on earth this little thing should be called, when I looked down at her. Clear as day, she told me her name was "Anna." Ok. Anna she was! It even made her registered name easy to come up with. Her mommy was Candy's Classy Casey (or something like that) and her daddy was Sundance Jesse James. So "Casey's AnnaDance" she became.

For the first few months, she probably thought her home was my Mustang. She went with me everywhere - up to see Phil in Lansing, over to Grandma's, even to work. And she had it good. Every day we would share a Schwan's Ice Cream Cone. Everyone loved her at work. She was a princess!

Then we moved up to Lansing. Her new home was a teensy-tiny apartment. She was a perfect little girl, of course. Never barked, never made messes (besides the messes of things she would chew up, like CD cases. Not the CDs. Just the cases. ??? What's up with that?). She remained a secret there for 6 months! All the "locals" next to us loved her. She was so funny. She would "talk" to you whenever you saw her. She would sleep with us on the bed. She would get as close to you as she possibly could whenever she could. Yep - she was a Golden to the core!

She was a beautiful dog. Beautiful feathering. A very petite girl who was 27-inches at the withers. She seemed to get her slight frame from her momma and her height must have come from her 120-pound dad. In her prime, she was 90 pounds. Not a little one by any means. I did try to keep her very slim, though, since she had incredibly bad hips. The vet didn't know how she could even walk. It didn't slow her down, though. I think that's why she loved swimming so much. From 4 months old she was swimming. Her first adventure was right into the waves crashing on Glenlord Beach. She never looked back, even "diving" to pull any and all rocks off the bottom of the lake/river/pond she would be in. She was a nut.

She sure had a good life. "Living" in a car, practically - a convertible to boot; riding to Manitoulin across Mum's, Steve's and Bonnie's laps; swimming, swimming, and more swimming; splashing while she swam and then biting at the splashes - and then barking at the splashes, too; chasing squirrels; going down slides; chasing frisbees and tennis balls; bossing Shadow, Sammy and Wanda around (yes, she even tried to boss Wander around!); talking to Aunt Sherie on the phone; begging for Cheetos; walking down the aisle with my mom at our wedding on Mackinac Island. She was amazing.

She was Phil's buddy and Shadow's owner. She would not listen to Phil for anything. Shadow really thought he was her dog. He wouldn't make a move without consulting her first. Grandma Marge even taught her to beg for Cheetos. A dog that never begged!

Her last day was hard - for both of us. She had been going downhill fast by that point. The cancer seemed to have traveled up her leg. So with only one good leg, she had had more than enough. She made it four more months than I had expected. She had had a hard few days, so I called and set up the appointment a few days before hand. I knew I had to do it that way, or I would never have had the courage to take her in "right then" when I needed to do it.

I made her all pretty that morning. Nice and soft and brushed. She was all silky and gorgeous. Then I took her to the river...where she swam and attacked sticks and rolled in the mud to her heart's delight!

And then we had one last ice cream cone. And she had chocolate. Chocolate and peanut butter. Two scoops. She was just so awesome. It was so hard. But then the time came. I took her to the vet. They came out. I held her as she slipped away. It was very quick. I almost thought she was gone even before they gave her anything! She was ready. And, at last, I guess I was ready, too. So I let her go...

More on the chemo...

Well, I wound up doing four chemo treatments - February 15th, March 7th, March 28th, and April 18th. I never really had any bad reactions (besides the hair loss), but they made me really tired. Each one made me a bit more tired. Phil went with me to all but one; Mom and Erin went with me to the one he didn't go to. It was pretty nice over there - I was in the Mount Clemens General Infusion Clinic. You get to sit in your own room with a TV. Mom and Erin and I watched The Guardian with Kevin Costner. My session got over before the movie, but they let us stay and watch the end!

All the nurses are wonderful! They'll even bring you coffee! It's nice that you get to bring in food. Sometimes we'd get there and I had not eaten yet. I probably would have thrown up if I hadn't been able to do that.

Each time took around 4 hours. I would get a saline drip, then an anti-nausea drip, then a steroid drip, then the Abraxane, then, when that was done, they would flush my port with Heparin, I believe. The Abraxane had to be mixed and then had to settle for an hour before I could get it. They let me call when I was almost there so they could call the pharmacy and have them mix it. It's extremely expensive (over $10,000!!!), so they don't mix it up unless they are certain you can get it right away.

The day after each treatment, I had to give myself the Neupogen shot. Yuck. They cost $40 (after insurance pays for the rest), too! Ouch. I think they worked really well, though. Bren would bring home everything from school and I wouldn't get it. That was nice.

Baldy

Ok...long time, no talk. But no news is good news, right? That's how it is here - I've been so busy that I haven't had time to post anything! So here's a start on what's been going on...

Ten days after my first chemo treatment, I started loosing my hair. It was absolutely horrible! That was the worst part of this whole process - by far. It thinned so badly (in just a couple of days) that I looked like I was 150 years old. I could barely wait for my Head Shaving Party that I had on the Saturday after it started coming out.

So, on that next Saturday, everyone came over and took a swipe at me! Suz, Mom, Erin and Claire, Karen - even Dave - cut off parts of what was left of my hair. Then Eric did the shaving. It was still a little long for the razor, so we used my dog trimmers (he he) and got it down to stubble before the real shaving began. I was much, much better, mentally after it was over. Being bald has not been so bad - it was the thinning that was nasty.



My lovely, dear husband was nice enough to model my pink wig for the camera. He really had little choice in the matter - his back was so bad that the most he could do to move about was this interesting super-slow shuffle, so catching him was not too big a problem! He is not so fond of that wig, so this was a considerable personal sacrifice for him!


After the crying and laughing, we had to get pictures of my bald head:





As I mentioned, this was by far the hardest part of this whole cancer process. You wouldn't think loosing your hair would be that significant in the scheme of things. I think, however, that it is probably the most tangible aspect of the evilness of this disease. You can hide the loss of a breast, or even both breasts, with loose shirts. But the hair thinning...oh how sad. Each strand that came out was like a teardrop falling. I just wanted to hide. The best thing was shaving it. I felt so much better after that. And everyone said that I actually had a nice head!

I did get a "real" wig along with my pink wig, but I really don't wear either very often. I wear the brown one to church. I wear the pink one out whenever the mood strikes. I get lots of comments on it - mostly from kids. They love it! I feel like Stephanie from Lazy Town when I wear it!

Bandanas are my head-covering of choice. They are so easy to put on and don't have to be messed with. I did want to get a baseball cap to wear that said "No hair day." but never did get around to it. And...drumroll please...I HAVE HAIR AGAIN!!!

Over the last week and a half, it has started coming back in - with a vengeance! I swear it's about 1/4" long! Between treatments, twigs (mostly gray) would pop up here and there and then fall out, but this is for real! And yes, it does appear to be more gray than brown, BUT IT IS HAIR!!! Yippie! At this rate, I won't be getting any tan on my head this summer! I can't believe how fast it's coming in. Phil went to Manitoulin and I had no hair. He came back and I did! Wow.

So, like a crazed person, I am running around to everyone I meet, pulling off my bandana or wig, and yelling, "LOOK! I HAVE HAIR! MAGIC HAIR!" :-) I know I have perplexed and completely surprised several people, but I don't care. I HAVE HAIR!

Of course, on the down side, my eyelashes and eyebrows are about gone. But I don't care. I HAVE HAIR! he he he he. And they will all come back eventually, too. JUST LIKE MY HAIR!

2007-02-15 Update

One down, three to go! I had my chemo today! Just Abraxane. The whole process took a lot longer than 1/2 hour. But there was a reason for that. I got added at the last minute and they had a packed day. There was no room at the inn when I got there. So we had to wait a while. But I need to digress...

Got to Dr. Mathia's around 10:30. Finally saw her around 11:25. She said everything looks great and she'll see me in 3 months. Then I had to call the infusion clinic to let them know I was in town and would be up there in about an hour. The Abraxane needs to be mixed up and then settled for about an hour, so they get that done before I come up, which is nice.

After lunch, we headed up to the hospital. Once a room opened up, we went back and they started the saline drip, then a steroid. Yes, steroids! Ugh. At least it wasn't Prednisone and it's only right before the chemo - not during the entire course of treatment. (They are going to PUMP ME UP!) Then I had the Abraxane (max dose, since no cytoxan was given with it). But the clinic was so full that my nurse (Dawn - who was absolutely wonderful!) had to run around working on everyone, so everything took longer than "normal." We got to the hospital around 12:30 and left a few minutes before 5. Wow. How long would it have taken had I had to have taxol or taxotere, which take a minimum of 3 hours to infuse???

Anyway, all went well. I didn't even have a bad taste in my mouth, which the nurse said had happened to others. And no nausea, which was another thing she said several patients experienced while there. I am just tired. But that's because I can't seem to get to bed before midnight! In fact, it's really Friday right now and I have disobeyed my husband's mandated 10:30pm curfew!! (Now that's a surprise, right?)

Oh, and I have to pick up my Neuprogen (not Neutrogen) tomorrow and inject it into myself. More fun. It just doesn't stop! Whoo-eee! :-) But I can deal with that. I get to pick up my real wig, too. (90% hair loss rate on Abraxane. So it's pretty definite my head will get some tan this summer!) I'll post pictures!

Next treatment: March 7, 2007 - 11am!

The Little Girl and the Big Boys

Ok. I just have to put on some gratuitous kidlet pics. Especially of the little girl. (My nicknames for her are "the little girl" and "beauty queen.")

The first one is from last month - it's The Little Girl with her Auntie Gale. Or should we call her little chunky cheeks!?! She gained 4 pounds and 4 1/2" in two months. Whew!

The next ones are of Brenden and Ian opening their Valentine cards from Grandma Jane. (Thank you, Grandma Jane!!!) They were so excited getting mail. Ian even opened his own. It was pretty funny, though. He opened the envelope, got the card out, and then ooohed over the front of the card, then flipped it over and ooohed over the back. He didn't open it until Brenden told him to.





















This picture I took today. She's getting so big. She was trying to bounce herself in her megasaucer. And then she REALLY started bouncing! I couldn't believe it! Wow! Then I noticed that Brenden had his feet on it and was doing the bouncing. So she really isn't getting ready to try for the Olympics after all. What a let down. :-)

The last two pictures are from Twistar's in Dewitt. Sean, Tess, Megan and her little sister Bethany, Brenden, Ian and Larra all went. Sean is one of Brenden's best friends from preschool. Mary, Sean's mom was nice enough to invite us to a play date. The kids all had a great time and we had pizza and cupcakes. Sean's birthday is only 3 days after Brendens!

The picture of Brenden is him and two girls he's never met - they were just other kids there at Twistar's. Too funny. And Ian was just running around like crazy. This picture is of him right before he crashed to the ground. He would run, then crash, and then roll over a couple of times before getting up and doing it again. Ah, to be young and have a body that can do that!

2007-02-14 Update

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well, tomorrow I get my first chemo treatment. It got switched from Friday to Thursday, since I am definitely getting the Abraxane. They said that I should be in and out in 2 hours! Wonderful. So I see my surgeon for my post-op in the morning, then head over to Mount Clemens General for the treatment after that. Woo-hoo. I must admit, I'm a little nervous!

With the Abraxane, I don't have to take Prednisone. Yippie! I hate that stuff! I've seen what it's done to my aunt and it's just awful. So I'm very thankful I won't have to have it. I will still loose my hair. Soooo...Suzanne and I went wig shopping on Saturday. (There's a pretty long story behind our "shopping," but that's another blog...) I found the perfect wig! It is so cool! Matter of fact, Suzanne is buying one, as well. I can't wait until we go out dancin'! The kids love it. And no, I have not lost my hair yet - I'm just trying it out! And yes, I do have a "real" wig, or should I say, "cranial prosthesis" picked out. I was going to pick it up today, but didn't have time. Oh, well. That's what Friday is for. Speaking of Friday...one more yucky thing...I have to get a shot of Neutrogen the day after my chemo. It's an immune system booster kind of thing, to try to keep my white blood cell counts up, I believe. (Lessens the chance of me getting sick from Brenden bringing germs home from school and karate and such!)

Ok. I'm off to bed. Phil is insisting that I be to bed by 10:30. We'll see how well that goes. I really, really want to be in bed that early - it just never happens!

2007-02-05 Update

Whoo-hoo! Great news! My surgeon's office called today to let me know that all the tissue they removed was just fine! News a day early and good to boot. Gotta like that!

Now, I just have to go see her February 15th for a post-op check on my port. I'm sure she'll tell me then when I can start chemo.

2007-02-01 Update

Well, I am back home after surgery today. I don't feel too bad. I had more tissue removed from the left side and a port put in the right side. All seemed to go well. The anesthesia has made me so very, very tired, of course. I'm going off to bed when I'm done here!

We got to the hospital around 10:45. I needed to be there by 11:30. For once we were not just on time, but significantly early! :-) And I had thought we were going to be late, but we had no traffic problems and a smooth drive. They got me right in and ready for surgery as soon as I walked in the door. They even seemed to be in a huge rush - which seemed odd since it was over 1/2 hour earlier than when it was supposed to be. Guess they had a cancellation right before my surgery, so they just moved everything up.

As we were pulling in to the parking lot, I mentioned the port to Phil. I had forgotten about getting that done. Well - the doctor forgot, too! All my paperwork just had further removal of left breast tissue listed. But the doc was there, so she added it to the forms. Guess it was good there was a cancellation, so she had time to do the port, too.

Phil said Dr. Mathia (Dr. Mathia-Oztalay...she is dropping the Oztalay part) told him all went well and she didn't see any suspect tissue. I'll get the path results next Tuesday, I guess. Then I get to see her again for my post-op visit on February 15th, where I'm sure she'll let me know when I can begin chemo.

Phil told me the surgery took a little over 2 hours. I went in around 12:20. Boy, those drugs work fast! I remember kissing him goodbye and the next thing I knew I was talking (only slightly) to one of the recovery room nurses. Phil said I took more time in recovery than in surgery! Well...I kind of did that on purpose! he he. I milked it for every minute. I was so tired from not getting any sleep, and I knew they'd kick me out as soon as I was "with it" so I just slept a bit and wouldn't open my eyes. They were wonderful - I'm sure they knew I could be kicked out of there any time, but they let me rest. Since I had hardly said a word, the nurse told the guy that came to take me back to my room, "She does talk. Really." (Ok. I know. I can hear the comments now. It's something none of you will believe. Me, not talking? Yeah, right!)

Even back in the room to change back into my clothes, they let me take my time and sit in a chair for what must have been over an hour. So very different from when I had surgery on my leg! Man, once I was out of recovery from that, they were pretty much shoving me out the door. I remember one of the nurses getting mad and yelling at me when I fell back to sleep sitting in the chair. (Hey - it's not my fault they recline!)

So, here I am home again. Got back in town and picked up a prescription for Compazine to help me keep the Vicodin down, if I need to take it. Got sick while waiting for the prescription, but after that I felt great. Even ate a ton of food when we got home (which I probably should not have done, but I was starving, for crying out loud!). I think the anesthesiologist used Toradol on me. I won't be getting that again. It did great for the pain, and I really wasn't as sick as I have been using other medications, but, like Darvoset, I was trippin'! Such interesting images flashing through my head. A baby giraffe sitting in front of me. A blue and green mini-van (thanks, Suz, for the colors) pulling out in front of us. Some old, thin man with really, really, really long fingers cleaning our windshield - first on the driver's side, then on the passenger's side. WOW. I have an incredible imagination!!!

Ok. I'm off to take a Vicodin and head for bed. Hopefully I won't be having any strange nightmares. And thank heavens for our parents! I don't know what I'd do with out my Mom (get well, Mom!) and Mum Quack! They help out with the kids all the time! Mom takes them when I have appointments in Marshall and Detroit. Mum Q. takes them sometimes and is here tonight to help with the kids, so I can rest in a drug-induced coma-like state for a few hours!! :-)

2007-01-18 Update

Well, yesterday I made my big decision. I am going to keep the right side intact. For now. I spoke with my surgeon and got a woman's opinion on things. She said that she really saw no reason for me to have it removed except for peace of mind. Which, she says, is something very, very important - so if I wanted it off, she would take it off.

But we came up with a plan that really works for me. It's strongly suggested that reconstruction not take place for at least a year after having a mastectomy when you have aggressive cancer. (It's harder to get good test results through implants or new tissue.) So, what I'm going to do is wait to have my reconstruction until after the next testing cycle of my RIGHT side. That will be about a year and a half after my mastectomy. Then, if the right shows any problems, or if I mentally need it, I will have my right side removed and have everything reconstructed at the same time.

In the meantime, my surgery has been scheduled for February 1st. It should be an in-and-out procedure. She will keep me overnight, though, if I feel I need it. She said she will clear me for chemo between 2 and 4 weeks after the surgery. It sounds like I'll probably start chemo around March 1st. I will do four treatments - one every three weeks. I have to go over to Detroit for them; you just sit for three to four hours and then you're done. So I think I'll be done with all this cancer stuff by mid-May! Yippie!

Ben is gone...

Ben the cat passed away tonight. He had been fine just a few days ago. Monday morning he seemed fine. Later that afternoon, he could hardly walk and would fall over when he tried. He wouldn't eat and wasn't eliminating, either. Then he had a seizure. Phil figured he had a stroke. He took him in to the vet that night. The vet said it wasn't a stroke but didn't know what it was. Said his blood work all came back fine, except that he was very thin (I saw him eat all the time, but I don't think his body was processing the food very well anymore) and extremely dehydrated. So she gave Phil some antibiotics and steroids and an IV to give him and sent him home. (Unfreaking believable. The cat was MISERABLE; I can't believe she convinced Phil to do that. He was over 20 years old, for crying out loud - he was supposed to get pills shoved down his throat and a needle stuck in him every day?!?!? Yeah, that's a comfortable end.) We were going to have him put down Tuesday, then, because he still wasn't eating or eliminating and seized a few more times. However, we had to go to Detroit for my appointment. So tonight, Phil took him into the vet. Ben died in his arms - BEFORE the vet came in to see him. Phil said he went peacefully.

Now, for all who know me. Yes, I wanted to run around singing "Ding Dong! The cat is dead, the cat is dead, the wicked cat is dead!" Yes, I did not like Ben. But no animal needs to suffer. I did cry over him. And he was very much a lifelong companion to Phil. He was there for him when Phil was on his own in Kansas. Phil's had him through some very trying times. For my dear husband's grief, I grieve with him.

Ben - 1987? to 2007

2007-01-09 Update

Well, my oncologist confirmed that all seems to be well with my right side. As for getting it removed, he strongly encourage me NOT to. He said that reconstruction of my left would be easier if I still had my right. Guess it's a model to use for the new one!

I'm still not fully given over to the keeping of the right one. My thoughts run from the "less tissue must mean less risk" idea to the vain "I want a new matched set!" Both of which are just not grounded. I'm still just a bit weary of the "good" prognosis of the right, though. My ultrasound on the left was "BENIGN." Yeah, right. So much for that ultrasound!

So next Wednesday, I have an appointment with Dr. Oztalay-Mathia to discuss the surgery and schedule it. (For the further excision of the left breast.) I am going to talk to her more about the right. I think I need to hear from a woman doctor on the issue. But in a recent brief conversation, she seemed quite surprised that I would want the right one off "just because." She might call me before next Wednesday. If we get everything taken care of over the phone, we'll just schedule the surgery. Yippie.

Dr. Mathia will put in a port for the chemo at the same time. Then, when she says I'm ready, I'll start chemo - which will be four cycles of Taxol and Cytoxan plus Avastin. I'll go once every three weeks. It takes 3 to 4 hours to get. I shouldn't get too sick, but I will loose all my hair. Look out world, I'm going to get a different wig for every day of the week! Well, it's a nice wish, but at a couple of hundred dollars each...wait, ok...let's try this again...Look out world, I'm going to get a different bandana for every day of the week! he he

Oh, Dr. Henderson gave me the names of two plastic surgeons that I need to contact about my reconstruction - Dr. Gavagan and Dr. Meininger. I have ruled out TRAM Flap reconstruction. Dr. Henderson suggested it. I told him there was ABSOLUTELY NO POSSIBILITY of me getting that. They take a bit of stomach muscle and run it up under your rib cage to use as a blood supply to the new tissue used. I have a hard enough time riding my horse - I'm certainly NOT going to give up ANY of my stomach muscles!!! I would prefer either DIEP or SIEA reconstruction. These are very similar to a TRAM flap, but they don't take any muscle. On a GREAT note - with any of these, I pretty much get a free tummy tuck - that's where the tissue used for the reconstruction comes from! On another GREAT note (possibly), I may not be able to do any of these...he he he...my surgeon said I may be too thin to get enough good tissue from my tummy to use. I don't know about that, but I have been back on the BowFlex for a couple weeks and am already seeing results! Oh, well, if not one of these, then I'll get implants. (Read implants - plural. There's no way I'd get just one - they would never match!)

Alrighty then. I MUST go to bed!!! One of these days I'll make it before midnight....

Mom's Birthday

Well, the boys have been (un)holy terrors lately. They seem to have sooo much energy! So what did I do? Since it was Mom's birthday on the 4th, and she just so loves to play with the kids, we took her out to Chuck E. Cheese's!

We had a blast - Mom and I even crawled through those hamster trails they have hanging from the ceiling. We played with the kids, then Mom and I went over to the more "Adult" side of the restaurant and played Skeeball and shot some hoops. She beat me every time! Then Phil and her and the kids did the basketball game once or twice. I never did find out who won that one.

When we were done eating the pizza, we were still a little hungry, so we got a birthday cake and ate that, too! It was really pretty good, considering what kind of restaurant it is.

At least Mom did get to do some adult stuff that night. Phil took the kids home and Mom and I went to see The Pursuit of Happyness - the movie based on a true story. What a great movie! This guy was on the street with his little son and went on to become a mega-millionaire. If he can do it, I can too, darn it! :-) (The mega-million part...not the living on the street part...)

2007-01-06 Update

Well, I wound up getting an ultrasound last week. And the results were good! The doctor (Dr. Segel; I guess he worked with Dr. Henderson when they were at the Karmanos Cancer Clinic), said that the lumps he looked at seemed benign. He did say that there was one area he was not sure about, but that it didn't look bad enough to even do a needle biopsy on. He wants to recheck it in 9 months. Tuesday I see Dr. Henderson to go over this information with him. Looks like I might keep my right breast...we'll see.

I'm still a bit nervous about the whole deal, though. My ultrasound on the left side was labeled "benign" by the radiologist that saw that one, and that didn't turn out so good! But I've got to keep my chin up.

So far, the year has started out great - good news about my right side, and my old puppy, Anna, is still hanging around. She seems to be pretty happy right now! She can't hardly get around, but she's "smiling" and wagging her tail a ton. She was actually hopping up and down when Mom came up yesterday.

Well, I'll post more after Tuesday's appointment!